What I have wanted to post for some time now.

I found myself writing this entry this morning and then erasing it because I didn’t want to expose too much of myself to a faceless, empty, void that some people whom I know walk in and out of, and most that I don’t visit once and probably never come back to again. This is both the beauty and ugliness of really “opening yourself up” in a blog.

I had a strange sleep last night. It was as if I hadn’t slept whatsoever, but at the same time when I dragged myself into the shower this morning it was as if my dream had lasted for the last 8 years. I literally think I had an introspective of my life in the 7 hours that I closed my eyes last night and it was a stark realization on so many levels.

I literally ran away to California as quickly as my feet would carry me to “start a new life.” Start a new life where the angst and compiled insecurities of a life of complete instability and constant flux would all simply snap into place. All the feelings of the ground falling from beneath my feet no matter how hard I clung to the earth with all my might.

To back track a little bit… From the moment the plane touched down in Massachusetts for the second time- I knew nothing. I mean, I literally felt like I lived in a house with complete strangers who were leading their own lives and I didn’t know what mine was supposed to mean.

Then after 4 years of existing in high school I spent another 4 years vapidly existing in college. I found myself saying and doing things that I couldn’t believe would come out of my mouth, and occur due to my actions. Why couldn’t I just let go of bad situations and deny harmful relationships that didn’t warrant the effort, time, or energy?

This led me (in my dream..) back to my time in California. I made a clear and affirmative decision that I would be SHAUN, I would be me, I would be all that I had aspired to and yet always fallen short of, in my own expectations. I would in actuality be more of the same person. I fell into more bad friendships and relationships and seemed to be in a rut.

Then, a year or so later I moved to the ocean… Although the solitude wasn’t what I had hoped for- the calmness of the ocean and the time to really think about what I wanted out of life was EXACTLY what I needed.

The son had gone west, and amongst stupid bullshit laden drama that was self imposed I came out shinning. I learned to take the things in life seriously that require it… The rest was entertainment and opportunity to learn. I learned that not every moment needs to be filled with sound, but when you find the right person for you- it makes every moment joyous to be filled with talk, laughter, silence, and unspoken dialogues that exist in a glance. I learned that no matter how fucked up family or friend may be, they are who they are and you can completely enjoy them for exactly what and who they are by simply embracing the good and stepping aside for the unnecessary. I learned not to judge, period! I learned to love and even more importantly be loved back. I learned that no one in your life that respects you- puts you through unnecessary trials, but rather stampedes through the tribulation by your side with guns blazing and a flag with your picture on it waiving in the background.

Long story short… If I had to go through a lifetime of fuck ups (both literal) and embodied in people (and be rest assured- although altruistic in my intentions, of this composition and thought- I do really believe that I invested in some PRIME TIME fuck ups before waking up) I would gladly go through that all again – night after night in my dreams- just to be able to wake up as I did this morning to the sweet smell, warm smile, and gentle perfection of my bride to be, and the life we have made together. The life I have grown into personally, professionally, emotionally, and most importantly lovingly with an open mind, heart, and spirit.

The play list while composing this:
John Mayer- Gravity
Nelly Furtado- Hey Man
Matthew Good- Carmelina
Death Cab For Cutie- Marching bands of Manhattan
Sia – Breathe Me
Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder- For Once In My Life